Like Mother
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Tim knows that if he had been just little more like his mother, then he would have chosen to follow The Joker instead of Batman when he was a kid.


Tim knows that if he had been just little more like his mother-a little more annoyed with the general population for their lack of...well, everything-then he would have chosen to follow The Joker instead of Batman when he was a kid. And Tim honestly doesn't know how to feel about that. He isn't sure if there is a proper emotion for knowing that the only thing that keeps him from being an extremely insane killer is the fact that the general population isn't nearly as irritating to him as they could be.

He doesn't find the lowly common people, as his mother used to put it, to be as pathetic and emotionally draining as his mother did, and Tim honestly doesn't know why. He's not sure if it's because he has more of his father in him than he or his mother ever imagined or if it has more to do with the fact that Tim cares very little about the world around him, as long as he is fulfilling a role. As long as Tim is being useful and is needed/wanted by at least one person, then the world can burn for all he cares. He knows that that's all he needs to survive. After all, he was raised to be adaptable.

It's probably one of the reasons Dick chose Damian over him. Dick could probably see that the reason Tim took Robin so seriously was because it was all that he had, and he wanted to see who his little brother would become without his crutch. Tim doubts Dick knew how far that would push him in the other direction-doubts Dick realizes, even now, that Tim is teetering on the edge. After all, there's a reason he gets along so well with Jason now, and it isn't just because Jason's less angry. No, it's because Jason understands that edge...knows what happens if a person tips over it, and Jason cares enough to at least try to stop Tim's descent. The thought makes Tim want to laugh hysterically, because the only person willing to attempt to stop his fall from grace is the only person who wanted him dead as much as Damian.

Damian is another thought that makes Tim either want to laugh hysterically or possibly cry; because the more Damian acts as though he's better than literally everyone, the more Tim thinks that his mother would have loved him as a son. She certainly would have preferred Damian over the son she had; and Tim isn't sure how to feel about that either. He doesn't know if he's allowed to be jealous over a speculation that may or may not be true, but either way he finds it harder and harder to be around the child. He can see all of the aspects of Damian's personality that would have made Tim's mother so elated, and it hurts to be reminded of how much of a failure he is and has always been.

It's bad enough that Bruce loves Damian more-that the real son holds such a place of value over the adopted sons. Tim doesn't feel the need to punish himself more by reminding himself how much more his own mother would have loved the boy, and yet he can't seem to stop himself…can't seem to ignore the way Damian's eyes flash with superiority-the same way his mother's did-when he's around someone of lesser intelligence; how his smile grows predatory, much the same way his mother's would, when Tim reacts in an almost soft way toward the people around him. But the thing that gets under Tim's skin the most-the thing that hurts in a way that nothing else can-is the way that Tim knows his mother's eyes would just shimmer at Damian if she could see how the boy attacks others' weakness, including her own son's (maybe even especially so) -because Tim knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that his mother hated all of his weaknesses. Tim is almost certain that if his mother could watch Damian attack him, her pride in Damian would be nearly overpowering.

It's a pain that he doesn't know how to deal with, doesn't know how to get rid of; and it seems silly that something so simple could cause him such great agony. He's sure that both Damian and his mother would tell him that it only hurts because of his ineptitude, and Tim would have to agree with them. Because if he was stronger, was better, didn't need so much, then Tim wouldn't still be here. He most likely wouldn't be thinking about sinking into the pit of despair he's been staring into, either. But no one needs to know how close he's come to being their worst enemy. None of his family needs to know how often he's thought about tearing them all apart, slowly and painfully.

He's not The Joker. He's nothing like The Joker…never has been, and never will be, and it has nothing to do with his family-not the first one or the second-and has everything to do with Tim. If he were to ever snap-to break so completely that he stopped caring about the emotional safety of his family, it wouldn't be anything that resembled The Joker. Tim is as he always been-himself, and that's nothing like anyone. However, it's also never been a good thing either.

His mother wanted a child who was just as cold and ruthless as she was, and Tim was never capable of being that. His father wanted a normal child who was into sports, and Tim wasn't able to be that he either. Bruce never wanted him at all. He just wanted Jason back, and Tim wasn't able to bring back his son, nor could he pretend to be him. All Tim has ever been is a lie and a poor substitute for the things people actually wanted, and Tim doesn't know how to stop being those things. If he did, then he wouldn't be trying to fit into a family that clearly has no place for him.

Tim's used to not being wanted. It's something that has always been. What he can't deal with is not being needed, and it's obvious that's he's not needed here-not in this family and not in this city. He doesn't have anything anymore-no purpose, no reason-and he's clinging to a life he used to know simply because it's familiar. He knows it makes him weak and pathetic-makes him just like everyone else his mother couldn't stand, but Tim doesn't know what else to do. He's not sure what direction he's supposed to take, because it's not like tumbling over the edge would make a difference. After all, Gotham has seen far worse than Timothy Jackson Drake Wayne, that's for sure.

The End


End file.
